It was a conversation in my cubicle more than a decade ago, but my friend’s words remain seared in my mind: “You know, I think God loves strugglers.”
You know? I see it.
Today I’m writing for those of you who identify with Thomas more than Peter. Who peer at the Bible with head cocked, your mouth a line of thoughtfulness. Who tend to uncover more questions than answers when you’re struggling with faith. Whose pain has resulted in a series of unsteady steps backward, confused but holding on.
And…I’m really writing to myself, as I’m confused by some of the prayers God hasn’t visibly answered lately.
Yet.
But in the Bible, I see God
- Beckoning Zacchaeus, who literally climbed a tree to see him.
- Conceding to a red-eye rendezvous with Nicodemus.
- Whispering to Elijah in a cave.
- Answering to his cousin John, questioning his life’s work–maybe even its soon-to-be martyred end–in a dank, infested cell.
- Sheltering Mary Magdalene’s weathered, raw soul when He might have been winning the approval of piles of Pharisees.
- Meeting Hagar in the desert as life evaporated from her, body and soul.
- Delivering a lone, long-tortured demoniac to liberty at last.
God has this way of gentle, all-seeing, arresting questions that cut right to what’s sacred in us. When we’re struggling with faith, he leans in.
To an abandoned, pregnant Hagar: “Where have you come from and where are you going?”
And the blind Bartimaeus: “What do you want me to do for you?”
To the disciples: “What are you looking for?” and, “Who do you say that I am?”
His questions tell me of a careful knowledge of and nurture for troubled, confused souls.
Struggling with Faith: The Climb
Three times, my husband has ascended all of Kilimanjaro’s 19,341 feet a total. (He’s in the middle of the photo, in blue.)
Though a non-technical climb, it required a lot of fitness. He and his groups proceeded among eight different biozones among all the switchbacks and cliffs, through eight strenuous days.
But only recently did I make the association with our breathless, arduous pursuit of intimacy with God: Who shall ascend the hill of the Lord? And who shall stand in his holy place? (Psalm 24).
Author and pastor Tim Keller points out from this Psalm,
To know his presence…is to “ascend” a hill or mountain…and doing so is always a struggle. You must repent, seeking a clear conscience (verse 4). You must know your idols and reject them (verse 4). And you must wrestle in prayer to seek God’s face, as did Jacob (verse 6), who said, “I will not let you go unless you bless me” (Genesis 32: 26). [emphasis added][1]
Perhaps, like my husband’s climb, a rigor is required.
But each trail unfolds more of the greatness of an inscrutable God.
And there’s satisfaction in the ascent. There remains a level of contentment and adventure in the struggle itself, even in having not yet fully summited; not yet reaching the fulfillment of our clawing hunger, not yet seeing all he sees from his elevation.
“Your Name is Struggle”
As I sat with God this morning, I was intrigued all over again that God engaged in the emotional-turned-physical wrestling with Jacob, chose not to overpower him.
Then he honored Jacob’s brazen request by granting the requested blessing.
Jacob renames the place “Peniel, saying, ‘For I have seen God face to face, and yet my life has been delivered.'”
His struggle leads to worship.
Pastor and author Chris Hodges points out that Jacob’s fierce determination for God’s blessing did cost him, leaving him with a limp.
But rather than Jacob hijacking a blessing like he’d tried before–pretending he was someone he wasn’t (Genesis 25:27-34)–this time, through a striving of years that culminated in a long night, Jacob finally seized the identity God had intended for him: Israel.
It would become the name of God’s people: “struggles with God”.
A God Big Enough for My Questions
See, God has always been big enough for all my questions—questions which so often reveal more about me than they do about Him.
As I comb through the tangles in my thoughts, there is peace to be found. In struggling with faith, I need not abandon truth until all my questions have been answered.
He’s still the God hiking up His robes to run toward me (Luke 15), far from hiding or reluctant.
And all the things I can’t wrap my mind around are simultaneously the reasons He is so much bigger, so other; so worthy of worship.
Here’s to you, strugglers. And to the God who welcomes us with open arms.
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[1] Keller, Timothy; Keller, Kathy (2015-11-10). The Songs of Jesus: A Year of Daily Devotions in the Psalms (p. 42). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.
