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advocating child

Advocating for your spouse…without being a you-know-what. It’s tricky, no?

An awkward conflict left me hurt and reeling–and my husband in a position to do something about it. I needed a wingman. But he also needed to serve not just me, but all the people he represented there.

(Vague? Yes. Sorry. No juicy details on ye olde blog.)

I actually took great confidence in the knowledge he wouldn’t advocate for me inappropriately. He’s nothing if not diplomatic, so I wasn’t worried he’d make my relationships or situation worse.

I trusted how and what he’d say. I knew he understood the implications for not just me, but in my case, for people treated similarly.

How to Advocate for your Spouse (without Stirring the Pot)

You know the weirdness. Like my husband was, maybe you’re in a position to somehow give your spouse a hand up–in a social situation, or advancing them in some way, or navigating a situation with your side of the family.

Sure, you’ve got an angle: You love your spouse. You respect them in this area. Or your spouse has been hurt–perhaps grievously–and you now need to evaluate how to move forward.

How do you advocate without blindness? Rudeness? Alienating either your spouse or the other party? Limiting your spouse’s future options? Or…outright manipulation?

Some of you might read this post and think, Actually, I don’t care if they think I’m a you-know-what. They’ll know I’m a person who cares for their spouse. And maybe you’re right.

But sometimes, there’s a happier medium. What if conflict or opportunity leaves us, the relationship, our spouse, our marriage, and the situation stronger?

What if you could advocate with appropriate objectivity and class?

A few hopeful thoughts gathered from my training as a conflict coach with Relational Wisdom 360.

 

1. Acknowledge the tension between solidarity with authority and your spouse.

When you’re a person who’s been hurt, used, or backstabbed, having someone say, “This is wrong. I can do something about that” can be incredibly powerful.

Validating their inner (yes, occasionally errant) sense of justice can mean the world someday when they’re asking, “Who fought for me when people hurt me?”

You can help your spouse see God as shield and defender through you—and yet still someone on the side of truth, not just blind loyalty.

It’s a little like hiring a lawyer: It’s great to have someone advocate for you. But both of you need to advocate for what’s right.

Most situations like these require great discernment and a realization that wisdom lies in complexity. How much do you intimately, empathetically understand of the perspective opposing yours?

Think of it like sorting out the pixels of an old newspaper photo: some black, some white, some gray. Pray for discernment so you know the next step to take–even if you don’t know the ones after that.

2. Acknowledge your spouse’s contributions to problems, a.k.a. the log in their own eye.

Rather than defending our spouse to the death, can we gently request–even when they’re only, say, 30% responsible for the conflict–to take 100% responsibility for that 30%?

3. Give it a good night’s sleep. (Or three.)

I hate that feeling of, I probably would have done something really different if I hadn’t been furious.

The consequences of our decisions—especially the impulsive ones—can have longtime ramifications on our spouses. How could your navigation of this situation affect how your spouse is treated in the ongoing relationship? Remember: They may still need to interact with the other side on a daily basis, and hopefully in a helpful relationship.

(And P.S.? Sometimes our spouses see only one angle, or even lie or manipulate the story. So there might be a fuller story to understand.)

Maybe you’re just ready to burn that bridge, already. But I think, too, of 2 Corinthians 5:18-20:

Through Christ [God] reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation. 

Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us.

Through us, are people getting the idea of God’s heart for reconciliation?

4. Sometimes our spouses need to fight their own battles.

You will not be there (or should not?) when they’re dealing with a dysfunctional boss at work. Or navigating that conversation with your spouse’s friends.

Ask your spouse directly. What level of involvement woutd they prefer? Are they looking for a sounding board, ideas for solutions, and/or for you to actually go to bat?

Pray about that, too. What level of involvement does the Holy Spirit seem to be suggesting?

Before you step in or ask for that change of employment or deliver that ultimatum, think about what’s happening within the other party, within your spouse, and what could happen long-term. Are there character lessons or opportunities to be gleaned from the long game?

What could happen to others if you don’t step in?

5. Don’t let yourself label the other person or regard them as enemy. Pray for them.

Creating us vs. them categories dehumanizes the other person. It creates an easier environment for us not to empathize. Not to respect. Not to be teachable or humble. To judge, rather than care for that guy.

Take care that even your private conversations, while honest, don’t disparage. That person bears the image of God:

With [the tongue] we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so. (James 3:9-10)

Relational Wisdom 360 points out conflict is an opportunity: to glorify God, to be like Jesus, to love others well, to bear fruit/grow in character. This conflict is your open window to replay to humans the Gospel–i.e., how God responded to us in conflict.

Not only that, healthy conflict can actually make a relationship stronger, if handled well. 

Check out Am I judgmental? Judgment vs. discernment.

advocate

 

6. Don’t feed the idols.

If you’re the person being advocated for, as I was, allow me to urge you toward what I’ll call “keeping your wounds clean.”

Author Ken Sande points out that—like Bruce Banner in The Incredible Hulk—my idols swell beyond a healthy desire (“I want”) to a demand, something I must have. And I slotted myself in the position of a god, who judges and punishes.[i] Sande outlines the slippery descent into an idol’s lifecycle:

  1. Desire: I would like to have…
  2. Demand: I must have…
  3. Disappointment: You did not give me my desires.
  4. Judgment: You did not give me my desires. You are…
  5. Punishment: Because you did not ___, I will…*

It’s the book of James, again, that outlines what we’re arguing about in the first place.

What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions. (4:1-3)

The antidote for my idols may sound oversimplified—but it’s to trust God with my desire, rather than the idol, or myself.

There’s a solution and opportunity for me to pivot my worship. To turn the control and honor back to him.

It’s where I must acknowledge the lie, and deny it: the apparent, immediate fulfillment I’m depending upon to make my life sing, yet which I will always find lacking.

To be more specific—you, and potentially your spouse, have things that become overly precious to you.

(For me, it can be how I look as a spouse. How my spouse is viewed. Being liked. Being respected. Feeling in control.)

The person you’ll be speaking with has their own idols.

If you can, don’t feed any of them.

Part of this involves first grounding ourselves in who God says we are because of Christ: Not in what we do, or what people think of us (/our kids), or the security/control/comfort we have. (See Beating Up Elvira: Self-talk, Identity, & the Enemy Stalking Your Brain.)

I like to pray Psalm 25:15 sometimes when I’m wrestling with some of the same old issues of identity. Or should be. My eyes are ever toward the Lord, for he will pluck my feet out of the net.

What could this look like? You don’t necessarily cave when you’re being manipulated or sweet-talked. It means you can let a small insult slide. You might refuse to backpedal out of sheer cowardice. You could deny your own defensiveness.

Because your identity doesn’t come from what your child’s teacher thinks of you.

You could rest when your request gets a final, immovable no, because God loves your child and has plans for her future, even when those plans divert wildly from ours.

7. Keep the conflict as private as possible as long as possible.

(This is another key principle from Relational Wisdom 360.) Just say no to gossip, social media raging, talking with people who aren’t part of the solution (aka gossip), and these other ways you might be cannibalizing your own conflict.

The Golden Rule is a great way to evaluate whether you should speak.

8. Listen extensively before you speak.

If a person is on the defensive, usually his or her brain is in fight/flight/freeze/fawn/faint mode—not “please tell me what I’m doing wrong so I can change” mode.

Statistically, it takes at least 20 minutes to an hour for the human brain to step out of that mode.

You might resort to the classic, “When you __, I feel __.”

I turn to Proverbs on this one: A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger (15:1).

9. Be willing to seek creative solutions that work for both of you—not just the only solution you can visualize.

Again from RW 360: Attempt to determine what interests lie beneath the issue between you. You may actually have more interests in common than you think.

When you’re believing the best about the other person, what do you think they want to preserve? What do you want to preserve? (When in doubt, ask them.)

Is there a solution you could propose that would serve both interests?

10. Get as present as you can be.

Increase the level of interaction to be as personal as you can: Even that email your best friend thought was well-written can’t substitute the trust and power of physical presence, or at least a congenial phone call demonstrating your respect of the individual.

As far as it depends on you, eliminate time crunches around an appointment, or gathering when either of you are exhausted. (Who wants to be the last appointment on a Friday?)

11. Rather than you against your spouse’s “enemy,” attempt to make this about all of you against the problem.

Consider asking questions like,

  • Can you tell me your version of what’s going on? I realize I’m probably only hearing it from one or two angles.
  • So I’m hearing ___ (note: protect this response from sarcasm). Is that what you’re trying to say?
  • So here’s the concern I’m having…
  • What can I do to work in tandem with you?
  • Do you feel like we’re on the same page with our goals?

12. Christians: Remember you’re advocating for Jesus. Not just your spouse.

Of course, this doesn’t always mean “be nice”. (Though from personal experience—kindness has won far more battles for me than combativeness.)

It does mean we carry around the aroma of Christ (2 Corinthians 2:15-17), and need to consider wisely whether these are true issues of justice, or slights we can teach our kids to overlook: “It is to a man’s glory to overlook an offense” (Proverbs 19:11).

This post–What’s God Think of Strong Women? –explores (among other things) ways we sometimes misinterpret or misuse strength. But you can be strong without being a you-know-what: If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all (Romans 12:18).

Keep advocating for your spouse. But do it with classy respect.

 

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*Ken Sande. The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict. Grand Rapids: Baker Books, 2004.