One of my children recently didn’t achieve the teacher recommendation they needed for another year on student council.
And I felt the tug-of-war in my innards. Part of me ached for the rejection they felt, particularly coming from a teacher who siblings confirmed was particularly difficult. I sought to turn off the ignition to my inner snowplow, shaking off the urge to appeal.
But words from a friend, maybe a decade ago now, bubbled to the surface of my brain. Can getting caught–or discipline itself–be a mercy?
Getting caught: A severe mercy
In my mind, the answer’s a resounding yes.
Imagine the child getting caught looking at porn, versus that child growing into an adult with a sexual addiction. Or the child found cheating on a spelling test–which means they aren’t caught cheating on their taxes when they have a family decades later. Or your teenager losing their job because they’re tardy all the time–and losing a valuable paycheck.
Our kids getting caught can be a wide-open window for life change–particularly while consequences remain small(-ish).
In fact, I pray regularly that my kids will get caught. And God…has frequently been faithful to answer that prayer, painful as that answered prayer is.
And in that answer, I have to be faithful to allow my child to experience the hobbling consequences.
Bringing repentance back
Another friend of mine recently relayed the story of what felt like their child’s unjust and extreme discipline from school. The process felt rushed, and like their child was the subject of a protocol rather than a humane interaction over a mistake many children could easily make.
But my friend’s eyes glistened. At their suggestion, their son chose to shave his head as a biblical sign of repentance; “We said losing his long hair would help us all to own the situation and grieve loss and shame.” He wrote heartfelt letters of apology–not to get out of consequences, but to express his sorrow.
Even more, their son’s heart change was clear. He’s thriving in his new school. He also knows exactly what he’ll never do again.
I wrote recently in God’s Attachment Love. Your Kid’s Darkest Moment. Your Open Window, with each of our kids, God has handed my husband and I some significant life moments that ended up being opportunities for unconditional, all-the-way-in, no-way-out love.
When I looked in my friend’s eyes as he told this story, I had to commend him out loud. In a potentially shaming moment for the whole family, my friend and his wife instead provided an unerasable, sensory-laden experience of the Gospel for their son.
I would imagine they’ll all remember it and internalize it for a lifetime.
Is this repentance the real deal?
So how do we know if our kids’ run-ins with discipline and loss are the kind of grief that will help shape our kids’ character and futures?
(And is there a way we can stack the deck as parents?)
I like the differentiation Paul makes in 2 Corinthians 7:10 between true repentance–“godly grief”–and “worldly grief”:
For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death.
Maybe you’ve already seen that from the very beginning of the Bible, God’s got a broader definition of “death” than only the end of our bodies.
He told Adam he’d die when he ate the fruit–and though his body showed few differences, his soul died immediately (we’re each dead in trespasses and sins, no? [Ephesians 2:1]). And Adam’s mind and heart, feeling naked and hiding and suddenly alienated, displayed immediate effects.
For now, let’s say that’s what worldly grief can look like: It’s destructive. It brings death to relationships to others, self, and God. We hide and avoid and lie and blame and deny.
But in godly sorrow, there’s a key element: humility.
I love this don’t-miss piece by Nancy Leigh DeMoss Wolgemuth, on Proud People vs. Broken People. I’ve even posted it on the fridge.
Examples:
Proud people have to prove that they are right.
Broken people are willing to yield the right to be right.Proud people have a critical, fault-finding spirit; they look at everyone else’s faults with a microscope but their own with a telescope.
Broken people are compassionate; they can forgive much because they know how much they have been forgiven.Proud people are unapproachable or defensive when criticized.
Broken people receive criticism with a humble, open spirit.
Kids getting caught: What’s the goal?
Here’s what I compiled about true confessing and repentance in Permanent Markers: Spiritual Life Skills to Write on Your Kids’ Hearts (grab the first chapter up there in the sidebar). Consider ideas like these a test of sorts.
In what areas do we need to lean into our kids’ mindsets, asking heart-exposing questions (ahem–rather than preaching)?
We set a climate in our relationships for regularly, humbly allowing God to expose what’s in our hearts.
Confession is about:
• agreeing with God about our sin—that, like cancer, it must be found and cut out
• increasing our affection for God as we realize how much we’re forgiven and loved
• admitting we messed up, needing first vertical (Godward) forgiveness, reconciliation, and restoration, then horizontal (with others), in a circle of individuals reaching as far as the offense
• taking responsibility for both the heart attitude and the specific wrong action(s) that came from it
• intentionally changing future behavior
• accepting our consequences
When the “caught” version of our kids becomes the best version
The surprisingly happy end to the story: My child approached all teachers for feedback on behavior, and received two feedback points we wrote on an index card on the fridge and continue to check in on. We’ve been talking about how to bridge the gap with teachers who feel frustrated with them.
Then, the student council-sponsoring teacher recommended this child appeal to the school board for a chance at redemption…which the board granted.
And I’m seeing a difference in the same behaviors at home–which until this point, the child hadn’t taken seriously.
Honestly, I would have been more than happy to have the version of them who was just caught, not rewarded. But God’s so much more merciful than I am.
Here’s to our kids getting caught.
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God’s Attachment Love. Your Kid’s Darkest Moment. Your Open Window
When Your Child’s Weaknesses Feel Overwhelming
