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attachment love

I was chatting on the phone with my oldest this week about purity culture–which deserves a post on its own. (I have feelings. Big feelings.)

I expressed to him how tough it is as parents, when some of the less-healthy methods of purity culture are subtracted from parenting –I’m looking at you, shame-parenting–to find something as powerful to direct our kids toward good and keep them from what’s truly bad.

“I mean,” he said, “I pretty much always know you loved us no matter what.”

I’m fairly open with all of you that though my blog and book are a lot about parenting–there have been a lot of failure and tears on this end. But that–that felt like a holy moment.

Cut to a conversation my husband and I had this morning. Verbally, I realized aloud that for at least our three older kids, God has handed us some significant life moments that ended up being opportunities for unconditional, all-the-way-in, no-way-out love.

Some of those have looked like big confessions from my kids–and inside me, moments my insides felt ripped from top to bottom. Some of those have been moments like my son’s cancer scare, or learning to cope with learning disorders.

Some were no-contest the lowest moments of my parenting. 

But in the rearview mirror, they were openings to speak hesed love to my kids.

All-in Love

I’ve written about hesed before.

The Bible Project’s podcast episode The Loyal Love of God describes God’s hesed love–this steadfast, loyal, generous, merciful love characteristic of God throughout Scripture (think of his love as told through the story of Hosea). It takes literally about 13 English words to describe this one Hebrew word.

Now that I know it’s about 250 times in the Old Testament, I see it everywhere. It’s in the last verse of Psalm 23, translated as mercy: Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life…

It also means “covenant love.” Paul Miller describes it as “love without an exit strategy.”

But in the podcast, it was news to me that Scripture tells of people who had this brand of love. And when is that steadfast, God-like love most tested?

In pain, in suffering.

When those we’re loving are being unlovable.

Or as loving gets hard and long.

And when people disappoint us or need forgiveness or patience.

God’s Attachment Love

But–and you can tell I listen to podcasts when I’m working out, trying to ignore the fact I would rather be somewhere else–in my newest favorite podcast, Neuro Faith, I heard neurotheologian Dr. Jim Wilder describe hesed as God’s attachment love.

Wilder described a facility where he worked for those who’d undergone mental and emotional trauma. And those most likely to heal were those with healthy attachments and bonding. It’s the kind of connection of a mother or father to a child, gained through trust, and the child gaining trust that the parent will respond, will fulfill what the child needs.

Weary parents of infants: No, your child will never remember this phase of their lives. And if your kids were like mine, lacking even the positive feedback of a smile for the first months (other than gas, I mean).

But take heart: that attachment lays the cement foundation for their attachments and ability to trust throughout life. Those 3 AM feedings and seven-per-day diaper changes and “conversation” with a preverbal infant matter.

And when Dr. Wilder looked for this kind of love in Scripture, he found it in hesed love.

A Peek at What God’s Attachment Love Means for Your Family

The implications for this are huge. But let me boil down a few.

  • Even if your parents failed in this area, God loves you with hesed.
  • Some of your darkest moments in parenting or marriage or your extended family–that failure of theirs, that fear, that loss that rattles your core–are your windows for hesed love.
  • That hesed love shows our kids in their bodies, their own mental health issues, their own sin, the gospel, even before we say a word. It shows them God loves them no matter what. And he will look for them. (You might like the post “I‘ll find you”: What we long to hear.)
  • And that means in your greatest areas of shame or loss, God’s hesed is looking for you, too. The Hebrew of Psalm 23:6 implies his hesed hunts us down.

Attachment Love: Questions to Think On

  • What events in my child’s life have been open windows to show hesed love?
  • Which of my kids could especially use an experience God’s hesed love right now? Why?
  • What circumstances/open windows in my kids’ lives right now are opportunities for hesed love? What could it look like for me to show that love in ways that would most connect with my child?

P.S. A Brief Word about Attachment Disorders

I’m largely uneducated about attachment disorders. But it’s possible you know your child has an attachment disorder, and this post stabs at your heart. (This post from Christian parents with children with attachment disorders is painful to read, but eye-opening.)

Though your alienation is not at all my intent: Please know that as a parent who longs to find your child, you demonstrating the gospel to your kids in real-life does matter.

Right now. For their lives, their relationships, their faith.

Whether they ever respond or not. (Some of God’s kids did. Some did not.)

(Though I haven’t had time to hear it, this breakout session, Adopting for Life–Attachment Disorders and the Gospel: Building the Right Adoption DNA in Your Family may be helpful…? Use your own discernment.)

And God is stronger than any attachment disorder. No child is beyond his reach. Salvation belongs to him alone–and thankfully, not to us parents.

 

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I’ll find you: What we long to hear

When Change in Your Child is S-l-o-w

The Next Great Love Story