A Parent's Attention is Like a Flattened Squirrel

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Seen this meme? For innocents like me, it’s a little too eerily true to be funny, folks. No laughing!

This is occasionally how I feel about life. So. Many. Things compete for my attention.

And for the indecisive likes of me, Zoom. That whistling sound by your ears? That was your opportunity.

It’s parenthood in the age of Apple. Not so much the decision-making, but the bright, shiny things that are so doggone distracting.

The New Secondhand Smoking?

I was intrigued by Boston University professor Joelle Renstrom’s recent article, “Is secondhand screen time the new secondhand smoking?”

Nearly 20% of Renstrom’s students refer to their phones in terms of addiction. She remarks, “On average, American adults touch their phones over 2,500 times a day.” Renstrom points out the ways parents are checking their phones when nursing or rocking children, or tethered to phones while with kids.

And maybe she didn’t need to point it out, but “Some researchers have already found links between excessive screen time, particularly phone use, and attention deficits, behavioral issues, sleep problems, impaired social skills, loneliness, anxiety and depression.”

And our kids are picking up their cell phone habits–their people habits–from us.

Attention: The Gift Our Kids May Not Get

What this means: In the times which, when we were kids, our parents were talking to us while grocery shopping, cooing at us while feeding us, chirping about how school went today–our own kids might not have that sacred gift.

It’s a gift our kids will not get until we mean it, decide on it: the gift of attention.

Unfortunately, if we don’t give this, it’s not us who are flattened.

I say this because with the unstated-but-sorta-not expectations of what it takes to be a good parent/employee/church member/spouse/relative/friend, there are a lot of well-lit opportunities saying, “Look at me! Look at me!”

I’ve quoted before John and Stasi Eldredge on this:

The gift of presence is a rare and beautiful gift. To come―unguarded, undistracted―and be fully present, fully engaged with whoever we are with at that moment. When we offer our unguarded presence, we live like Jesus.*

“Mom. FOCUS.”

I wonder: How many times a day do I listen to my kids and spend time with them without doing anything else?

And I’m not just talking put-down-the-laundry-basket.

I’m not thinking of nodding through that story that went about seven minutes longer than it needed to. Or that attempt to catapult oneself from the highest stair without breaking open one’s melon.

Am I putting a metaphorical stethoscope to what’s going on inside?

I might choose the right body language or expressions or noises, but as far as that whole “love must be sincere” thing (Romans 12:9)? It’s a tall order.

Attention is a culturally subversive and rareified gift. It’s what every business from Netflix to Amazon to Home Depot wants from you. Look at me!

But it’s what our kids fiercely need.

Attention: Start Here

Maybe, fellow squirrels, start with five undivided minutes per child. (I read this week that statistically, Americans have each spent 325 hours on electronic media consumption, and 170 hours on TV in the last month. Yikes.)

Could be at bedtime or dinner, or sharing a cup of cocoa after school. Extend the sweetness of attention–showing your kids how to be attentive to you, too.

Let’s stick our attention in some of the places it deserves.