I woke up angry.
And underneath it, sad. The night before, I’d felt so unseen by my kids.
I’d been hammering away at our taxes until seven p.m., after walking the dog in freezing temps. Tell me you’ve been there in some form or fashion.
At at 9:30 that night, was still leaning on my kids to finish their chores. (No judging. I had my reasons.) When one of them treated me with disrespect, I felt livid.
As I swept the floor before my workout that next morning, I presented my anger and sadness to God between pushups.
Failure swept over me, feeling cumulative from so many angles of my life. I felt…afraid for the character issues I was seeing in my kids.
And that fear had a big seat at the table in my anger the night before. I don’t know how to generate what I longed to see in these kids.
I thought, I’m failing.
I thought, Why is change in kids so stinkin’ slow?
When Change in Kids is S-l-o-w
I get that lasting change in kids can feel like two steps forward, sixty-three steps back.
Yes, God’s completely capable of miracles in our kids.
But I think of winter right now here in Colorado, the grass, aspens, and maples looking skeletal, leaves crunchy. In fact, if you didn’t know spring was a thing, you’d say they looked dead.
Yet winter’s a critical season here. It kills off frost, provides for efficient use of water, stores up energy, breaks up compact soil (through moisture freezing), and accrues the snow we need to stave off next year’s wildfires.
In nature, in our kids’ physical growth, in our own souls–God seems to favor growth that’s barely perceptible. Each day, our kids grow about 1/365th of how they’ll grow that year.
Here’s to Slow Growth
And honestly? That’s how a lot of genuine change in kids, in humans, happens.
Isaiah 61:3 (NIV) mentions God’s cultivating his people in a way that
“They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.”
Get this: Oaks can live up to 1,000 years, with an average lifespan of 600 years. It’s said that they take 300 years to grow. And in the U.K., they support more species—a whopping 2,300—than any other tree.
Fully displaying God’s splendor takes ages.
Needed: A Complex Salvation
I’ve taken so much heart from the biblical story of Joseph. The family of his father Jacob, one of Israel’s patriarchs, was seriously broken. We’re talking egregious, pathological sin in the whole family that was often trauma-inducing.
Hmm. Let’s see.
Like killing every man in one town and taking the people captive (Simeon and Levi). Defiling their father’s marriage bed (Reuben). Deception (Jacob, Rachel, Leah, most sons). Arrogance, insensitivity, lack of honor to parents, being spoiled (Joseph). Favoritism (Jacob). Jealousy, to the tune of selling their brother into human trafficking after cruelly throwing him in a well (most of the sons).
Pastor and author Tim Keller notes that Joseph being sold into slavery happens in Dothan—the same place where Elisha called out to God, who sent chariots of fire.
They both cried out, Keller observes, but required different responses from God.
Joseph’s salvation was a complex salvation. And if he had been saved from the thing he wanted to be saved from, he would have been lost in a more profound way later on. He had to actually be lost to be saved. If he’d been saved, he’d [have] been lost. He had to go on a journey.
That journey would bring Joseph through his own slavery, imprisonment, and leading a nation through a famine—and eventually, save God’s people. God created a complex miracle for complex issues. And after decades, Joseph and his brothers displayed evidence of change within (Genesis 44, 50).
In fact, Joseph utters these redemptive words to his brothers:
“As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today” (Genesis 50:20).
Joseph acknowledges honestly that his brothers did intend evil. But he also acknowledges a God whose purposes were far greater.
I’d Like One Miracle, Light on the Ice
Imagine me pulling up to a holy drive-thru: “I’d like a dramatic miracle in my home, please, the parting of the Red Sea on my behalf. Oh, and a Pepsi, light ice.”
Often, God is working something so much deeper, for long-lasting change in kids toward the good. He isn’t just about the result. He’s about the person. The heart.
After all—I wasn’t “sorta” dead when God found me. I was all the way dead (Ephesians 2:1-3).
If I can’t picture God able to change my family, I may not be completely aware of just how much God has saved and changed me.
(And my kids aren’t made to carry the weight of my identity or sense of worth in the first place. That would make them idols.)
Wanted: Small Miracles
So maybe–
• Articulate to your kids the splendor you see God working in them. Point it out to their siblings: “I’m really seeing a difference in how Tristan is apologizing more genuinely.” And regularly thank God for signs he’s changing you, completing the good work he began, like he promises (Philippians 1:6).
• Keep a space in your journal to regularly track signs of what God’s doing in your family.
And don’t give up on seeking God’s power in your family, even if it means overturning generational patterns. Even more than you, he longs for a lifetime of shalom for your family.
The Master of the Long Game
As I continued my workout this morning, one of my young adult kids called. He wanted help on a moral dilemma he faced at work.
He spoke of Jesus’ parable about the unforgiving servant, and how he thought the Holy Spirit was using it to catalyze him to do the right thing–even though it would cost him dearly.
I swallowed. It felt like God’s own hand was on my shoulder.
God’s brand of change in kids–his masterful long game–may be slow. But it is total. And it is marvelous.
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