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Author’s note: Looking for how to advocate for your spouse in an awkward conflict? I’ll address that in my next post.

I plopped in the passenger’s seat this morning, pulling in a ragged breath.

“Oh, Charlie!” The dog’s wet footprints had just marred my cream-colored sundress. My husband passed me his waterbottle, and I scrubbed at the stain. 

As we pulled out of the driveway together, my husband looked at me. Gently: “Hey, take a deep breath. You seem rattled.” 

The cumulative stress of the morning–a painful phone call, an intense workout, a sudden text we needed to leave sooner than we thought–had made me erratic. As evidenced by me not remembering to not let the dog walk in the mud.

In that simple phrase, his hand on my knee, he acted as my shield. 

And isn’t that one sign of a healthy marriage? Not us against each other, but us against the world.

Advocating for your spouse

If you’re thinking of Goose and Mav, you’re getting my idea.

How can we be our spouse’s “intimate ally?“*

Get this: The word God used to describe Eve in the Bible (ezer) translated as “helper”—is most often used in the Bible as either as a term for a military ally…or for God Himself, helping us. 

Grab practical ideas—for husbands and wives–to act as your mate’s shield, advocate, and protector. (Like this? Be sure to check out 50 Ways to Inspire Your Wife and 50 Ways to Inspire Your Husband.)

How to Advocate for Your Spouse: 10 Ideas

how to advocate for your spouse

PRINT THIS HERE for your fridge, small group, or marriage ministry.

Protect their schedule.

When your spouse feels the need, the need for speed. See what I did there?

If they have a hard time saying no, be the one to gently step in with a hand on their back and say something like, “Hey. I know you really want to/feel like you should do this. And I know you juggle a lot and do it well.

“But I think there are other people who can step in here/you should let this one go/this may chew up a lot of your margin.

“Your peace, and the peace of our home, is worth it to me. Can we talk about this?”

Shield them from…yourself.

This is tricky.

One night after our guests went home, my introverted husband was looking a bit on the haggard side.

But I had some doubts rattling around in my head. To say or not to say?

I believe 100% that marriage is “naked and unashamed”. But from this post. “Being myself” doesn’t mean I vent all over my spouse, or say whatever pops into my head.

Ephesians 4:29 dictates what is only allowed out of my mouth: what

  • builds up,
  • doesn’t tear down,
  • fits the occasion,
  • gives grace to all listening.

Proverbs 31:26, too, speaks of a woman who has the rule of wisdom and kindness for her tongue. Queen Esther’s a great example of this for me, too: She possessed a vital message, and needed to perfectly sequence its revelation.

In this particular case, I spoke my mind…but when morning rolled around, I wasn’t thinking the timing had been right.

Sometimes shielding our spouse means saving thoughts so they’re what Proverbs 25:11 calls “a word fitly spoken,” which is “like apples of gold in settings of silver.”

So maybe we also might shield a spouse from our complaining. Nagging. Excuses. Venting. Inclination toward passivity (which often equals their vulnerability).

If you asked your spouse, what might they wish you shielded them from a little more often? What do they frequently absorb on your behalf?

Step in with the kids.

On my long days, sometimes one of the most meaningful ways my husband steps in is simply to deal with the kids’ bickering, disrespect, the overwhelming tide of their needs.

I admit to no small amount of relief and validation when he tells them, “You don’t need your mom for that.”

Sometimes I’m shielding my husband when he’s not there. If my kids are venting about dad (not a frequent thing, but hey, these are teens), I’m treading that careful line of “we can talk about everything” with “we talk about everyone with respect–especially each other.”

Prop them up with genuine wisdom.

Being a sounding board for each other is a tremendous service. Sometimes we just don’t need help with “fixing.”

But I personally love it when my husband does more than that: He points me toward courage with his frank wisdom that’s earned him the spot as first go-to with whatever I’m facing.

Advocate for their gifts.

I’ll always remember the day I arrived home from work to find a new music book propped on the piano from my husband, garnished with a note: Just because I love the way you’re made.”

Who’s the top lobbyist for your spouse’s unique gifting and interests?

Are you plugging for her to take a night out to explore what she loves? Are you cheering him on to take that night class he’s been eyeing?

Help protect your spouse’s mind and heart with meaningful sex.

No, sex doesn’t work well as shellack over marital problems. But here’s why your marriage needs sex.

Protect them from their own pet lies.

Maybe you already know the tapes that play over and over in their head, put there from past experiences, home of origin, themselves.

Sometimes those old mental VHS need some serious re-recording.

I’m valuable because of what my body looks like.

No one sees you.

God cares about your holiness, but not how you feel.

I’ve had the odd thought that, like a massage, I wished I could have a sort of “truth spa”—a time when someone just kneaded the truth I needed to hear in my soul. Where over and over, someone just tenderly countered the particular lies attempting to swindle my mind, even if it felt like a line from Captain Obvious.

Sometimes we just need someone to retell us the truth, with a lot of love. 

Put your foot down on untrue, unbiblical, non-godward self-talk. That puts extra meaning on taking captive every thought and making it obedient to Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5).

Think of your brain’s neuroplasticity like a path in a forest. The first time you think something, it’s hacking it’s way through the forest with a machete. But each following thought on that path widens it–so that soon, you’ve got a cowpath, then a highway. 

Help your spouse avoid pathways that need to become overgrown again=-traveling God’s truths instead.

Protect them by telling the truth.

As a people-pleaser and occasional peace-faker. sometimes I love people’s approval and (fake) peace, I love it more than my spouse.

Unfortunately for any of us, this means a spouse’s sin can go on destroying. Not just for you: for people around them. Their kids, extended family, friends, ministry, workplace.

If you struggle to speak up, don’t miss this important post, Submission Isn’t Silent. You can read about how my husband set the tone for this in our marriage here.

Be thier ally in difficult relationships.

That’s not to say you need to help your spouse escape those relationships.

But someone to help navigate, process, and knead God’s kindness and wisdom into conflicts and losses?

Priceless. (See a few more thoughts on managing conflict here.)

Guard your relationship.

What one thing might take more priority than your marriage?

You know. That thing.

Or maybe–what’s the slow drain on your marriage? Time, kids, jobs, mother-in-law, finances out of whack?

Consider what it would take to put your marriage and your spouse where they deserve.

Is it a little more white space on the calendar? Finally addressing the conflict between you? Go the distance to let your spouse know, like any true wingman, that you’d put your “life”–in all senses of the word–on the line.

 

*Term accredited to Dr. Dan Allender.

 

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