I paused on the stairs today, peering at this photo of my sons eating hot dogs in Halloween costumes at a Trunk or Treat.
The one on the left, in the fireman costume, is now a Marine in infantry training, rucking five kilometers this week with about forty pounds on his back.
The tiger on the right turns seventeen in two weeks. He’s a starting lineman for the football team.
It hurt a little to look at that photo. I was so very tired those years, but man, I miss those boys, those cheeks, those curls, those days with them tucked beneath my arms to read picture books.
With four kids under five (you read that right), a good portion of my younger adulthood resembled a baby wipes commercial. Because everything. Needed. Wiping.
It was that season of life where a gal might accidentally offer to cut her husband’s meat, or think of responding “sleep” when someone asks a hobby she’d like to pursue. Where life is punctuated by Goldfish crackers, Cheerios are wedged in baffling places, and one might glare at the dog when the dog wants out, because one carries no further capacity to keep something else alive.
When the SAHP Years = Lonely Years
They can also be very lonely years–because you’re just trying to brush your teeth or shower before someone dumps the Lincoln Logs, which would then skewer the feet of the hot-water heater repairperson (not to be confused with a hot repairperson. Wrong blog).
When someone attempts to hold an adult conversation with you,
- your mind might suddenly go blank at how to speak in complete sentences without the intonation of a kindergarten teacher.
- you might try to restrain the verbal waterfall from finally talking to someone over the age of six.
- you might try to gather conversational topics not pertaining to potty training or car seat installation.
Or maybe you’re a homeschooling parent, like I was for years, where occasionally the four walls start pinching you in.
How can stay at home parents (SAHPs) surmount isolation?
I’ve got a few ideas–but first, keep this in mind.
Keep times with friends real.
Perhaps because I seriously struggle with craving others’ approval–I know being with friends ≠ feeling known and connected.
That is to say, SAHP or not, you can have lots of time with other adults and remain alarmingly alone.
After all, parents–SAHPs included–can struggle with judginess in their own right, because the stakes feel so high for what we’re doing. Don’t miss Under pressure: Militant mommy convictions vs. authentic friendship.
So resist the urge to go into crazy cleaning mode when friends come over, or break into a sweat about the spit-up you discovered on your shirt two minutes before they arrive.
Our relationships tend to need more fingerprints on the wall, less mascara or macho.
Just like judging can beget judging, authenticity begets authenticity. So breathe easy when your child yells for you to wipe them during your attempt at a deep conversation at last.
The more unplugged you keep things, the easier it is to get together spontaneously. Because you don’t need the breakfast table cleaned up, the diaper pail emptied, or to wear something other than yoga pants or a stained T-shirt.
Keep it real, and communicate your friends can, too.
Remember isolation = spiritual dysfunction.
As I’ve previously confessed–at times, friendships for me have seemed a much bigger risk than being alone. But this flies in the face of God’s design for us to live as a Body.
(If your pancreas was just doing its thing outside of connection to the rest of your body, this would be a problem, no?) As 1 Corinthians 12 reminds us,
The eye cannot say to the hand, “I have no need of you,” nor again the head to the feet, “I have no need of you.” (v. 21)
If you struggle to want the risk of friendships, consider reading Who Needs Friendships?
Admit your need for help. Ask for it.
For some of these ideas, you may be like, um, hey. Who’s gonna watch the kids while I’m gallivanting around, finding a hobby (that’s not sleep) or whatnot?
Compared to past cultures, ours profoundly lacks methods of parenting in community. (If you’re a single parent, you may struggle with this more than most. )
We’re not harvesting or grinding grain together with kids playing at our feet. We’re not working in a woodshop while our kids learn a trade, with neighbors stopping in. Many of us aren’t living in the same home with our parents or grandparents or aunts or cousins. We’re not even walking to our next destination, chatting along the road.
Your life largely consists of you and your spouse behind closed doors and rolled-up vehicle windows.
As a young mom who associated her own needs with shame, I struggled to ask my husband for the relief my body pleaded for as a SAHP. I did, however, take my mom up on her offer to watch the kids one day a week. I chose to work outside of my home that day–and it unquestionably made me a better mom.
A few other ideas for SAHP childcare:
- Arrange a childcare swap. Do you watch a friend’s kids one day a week while she watches yours?
- Ask relatives.
- Plan babysitting into your budget not just for date nights, but for your own relief on a regular basis.
- Talk gently and openly with your spouse about needs in your workload. Rather than confronting your spouse in anger, calmly ask for what you need when you’re both in a good headspace.
- Adjust your kids’ bedtime by half an hour–maybe just letting them calm themselves in bed by reading books, listening to audiobooks, or listening to music like Seeds Family Worship.
- Swap a “night off” with your spouse.
That said–
Ideas for Stay at Home Parents (SAHPs) to Stay Connected
- Do it: Go pursue that life-giving hobby that reminds you of the way you’re made. This is a great way, too, to meet people in your community who don’t yet follow Jesus.
- Join a local MOPS group or Bible study, perhaps one with childcare.
- Initiate a regular girls’ or guys’ night out.
- Schedule a rotating playdate or homeschool co-op.
- Create your own book club.
- Capitalize on after-bedtime hours. Have coffee at a friend’s house (perhaps while one of your spouses is home, which mean no childcare is required). Create a game night, DIY spa night, football-watching night, craft night (These don’t have to be same-old. I saw a “DIY terrarium” party night on Pinterest). Establish the understanding that the house may be devolving into squalor, and everyone brings a super-easy snack. No impressing required (or desired).
- Invite other parents to your regular or special outings, even last-minute–so other SAHPs feel comfortable with less-planned stuff, too. I’m talking inviting other parents and their kids to the zoo, maybe tacking on lunch at the park after. Maybe someone meets up for library storytime. Perhaps a friend can do a last-minute stroller walk, or come over and toss a football or make cookies or Christmas ornaments with you on the fly.
- If you’re an early riser, invite a friend for that early-morning walk or jog, perhaps while your spouse is still home.
What about you? How have you combatted loneliness as a SAHP?
Join the conversation below!
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