In a couple of weeks, my youngest turns 13. Which means I will soon be parenting four teenagers. Which means my prayer life is thriving.
As some parents of tweens chatted with my husband and me last week, I recalled some of the best advice given to us for parenting teens: Keep them talking. Keep the relational bridge open.
It’s great advice for all of parenting, right? But at times with each of my kids, that’s required supreme effort.
With one of my kids who’s frequently alienating me right now, I had to set down some deliberate (righteous! …I told myself) anger this week. I had to ask questions when I wanted to, say, spoon out their kidneys.
(Turning toward them felt like turning toward hurt. But it mattered.)
That said, I’m thinking on two important gifts to give your kids, my kids, throughout life.
Gifts to give your kids #1: delight.
A friend recently described to me something she lost when her mom succumbed to cancer years ago: “My mom was good at just delighting in people.”
And she was right. The part of God’s image so clear in her mom was the “Oh! I’m so glad to see you!” Or “Really!”
The woman spoke in italics and exclamation points. You got the idea she was all there with you.
And my friend missed her mom’s sheer delight in her kids.
But you don’t need to be effusive or an extrovert to demonstrate delight. It could be your quiet awe of a Lego creation, your gentle smile and a big hug when your child walks in the door.
Delight in the Middle of the Hard
I understand this, too, from a season where I felt alienated and misunderstood by the world at large.
But when I picked up the yellowed album of childhood photos of me, tears blurred my vision when I saw a black-and-white photo tucked inside. My mom wears a hospital gown, and I am newly born, naked on her chest.
And the look on my mom’s face is wonder.
Her mouth is slightly open, perhaps speaking to my raisined face. She maybe even looks besotted (and my mom, a thinker, is not usually the openly besotted type).
On that day, looking at that photo, I needed to be reminded I brought delight to someone when I could give nothing.
In our kids’ hardest seasons–as well as their youngest and it’s-a-normal-Thursday days–we carry a unique position as their parents to express our delight in them.
Delight: It does a body good
Hopefully, even when it’s hard to like our kids, we can see God’s beauty in them. The way he cheers them on and finds hope.
In that way, delight’s a great discipline for our own souls.
Verses like Zephaniah 3:17 use over-the-top language to communicate God
will rejoice over you with gladness;
he will quiet you by his love;
he will exult over you with loud singing.
I can picture God’s “loud singing” as anything from “We are the Champions” after my son’s track meet to channeled through the goofy songs I made up about my kids when they were little.
Delight, even in the hard seasons, is a bit like the prayer asking God to show us his glory. Show me what you’re doing well in my kids.
It’s about communicating to our kids, You are more than what you do. There is hope to be had for you. Joy to be had about you.
Try this: “I love that you’re so ____. Who you are makes me happy.”
Gifts to give your kids #2: curiosity.
Curiosity is a way of leaning toward our kids; of generating compassionate interest.
It shows we’re interested in starting the conversation with our kids more than stopping it.
It says we’re more interested in our kids rather than only what we have to say or teach, being “quick to listen” (James 1:19).
I’m not talking the curiosity of dissecting a frog–I’ve figured you out! You are now properly labeled!–but saying, Your world and your mind and your heart are interesting to me.
In fact, God regularly asks questions he already knows the answer to. I think of Jesus asking the two men on the road to Emmaus to tell the story of the trauma they’d witnessed around Jesus’ death (who no one knew better than Jesus).
He wants them to tell their story.
Why?
More than information, he wants connection.
Jesus entered in to the point of zipping a body around him that sweats and passes gas and gets hangnails. I get what it’s like to be you.
And still, he displays a posture of curiosity throughout the Bible.
- Where are you? (to Adam and Eve)
- What do you want me to do for you? (to blind Bartimaeus)
- What are you looking for? (from Jesus, to John’s disciples)
- Where have you come from, and where are you going? (to Hagar)
- What are you doing here? (to Elijah)
- Who do You say I am? (from Jesus, to the disciples)
In a world of people “connecting” through 156 characters, the gift of time and interest, of presence and attentiveness, is precious and rare.
So this week, ask for a tour of that Lego creation. Ask why your daughter likes Olivia Rodrigo, or ask your son what being a shorter kid is like for him.
Lean in.
Try this: “What’s one thing you’ve been thinking about lately? Why’s it getting your attention?”
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