Reading Time: 4 minutes

how to listen so your kids will talk

This week, I’m working through the final interior design and whatnot on my own parenting book (due out this October: Permanent Markers: Spiritual Life Skills to Write on Your Kids’ Hearts. #shamelessplug). And there are moments in real-life parenting when I’m whispering to myself, “Maybe we should retitle this thing I’ve Got Nothin’.”

But those moments give me all the more reason to get excited about other parenting books genuinely trying to step in with practical ideas to help us connect and shape and love well. So I’m tickled pink to be offering two copies of Becky Harling’s How to Listen So Your Kids Will Talk (Bethany, 2021).

I don’t offer you books that freely (…there’ve been some I haven’t offered). I want to earn your trust when it comes to resources. And most other things. (Things you should not trust me on: Math. Athletic ability. How to care for straight hair. Potty training.)

But Becky’s got some gems tucked in How to Listen So Your Kids Will Talk. Please, read over my shoulder.

How to Listen So Your Kids Will Talk: Quotes I love

“What do you wish we had done differently?”

Becky’s husband Steve asks her adult children this question–and Becky mentions that by God’s kindness, “I was able to receive all that they shared.”

What I love about this: Throughout the book, Becky seems to indicate that listening to our kids, to anyone, requires humility. There is a profound grace in asking good questions, seeking to really be present with the person across from us, and shelving our agendas while we receive someone.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer wrote wisely, reminding people like me of the danger of always having a helpful response:

The first service one owes to others in a community involves listening to them. Just as our love for God begins with listening to God’s Word, the beginning of love for others is learning to listen to them. God’s love for us is shown by the fact that God not only gives God’s Word, but also lends us God’s ear.

We do God’s work for our brothers and sisters when we learn to listen to them.

So often Christians, especially preachers, think that their only service is always to have to ‘offer’ something when they are together with other people.

They forget that listening can be a greater service…Christians who can no longer listen to one another will soon no longer be listening to God either.

Questions for self-care.

Becky peppers How to Listen So Your Kids Will Talk with something unexpected: Wisdom and questions for self-care. Why? “Parents who are tired and overcommitted are more likely to lose it with their kids.” 

Yes. Yes, we are. (I had to wrestle upon this tough realization in The True Cost of Overcommitment.)

So Becky asks great questions like,

  • How does a lack of sleep impact your body language?
  • What messages did you grow up with about negative emotions?
  • Which emotions in your child are hardest for you to cope with?
  • What triggers anger or fear in you?

She also asks…

“Which child are you most worried about right now? What can you control, and what can you not control?”

I’ve written a bit about what it’s like to have a child that’s different from what you expected, or When You’re Scrabbling for Hope for *That* Child. or When Your Child’s Weaknesses Feel Overwhelming.

Every one of these has been me.

I find that my kids occasionally rotate in and out of my triage. And for better or for worse, that triage child determines not a small part of my life experience in that season.

But I’ve also been thinking about this: Those times of concern also increase my advocacy and attachment to that child. I have fierce feelings for my second son, for example, because of all we’ve slugged through with his ADHD.

These times have kneaded into me God’s advocacy and love as a Father, too.

how to listen so your kids will talk

“When are you most likely to talk to me?”

As a question-collector, I love this genius question Harling posed to kids. Listen to some of their answers:

  • “When you don’t have an angry face.”
  • “When [my little sister] is not around.”
  • “You zip your mouth and put down your phone.” (Oof. That one was a teenager.)

Now I want to go ask my kids!

“Be intentional about dates.”

I was relieved that this was something my husband and I (him even more than me) are already doing. We rotate through our kids (not on a schedule, per se), taking them for coffee or whatnot. (Much easier pre-COVID, but not un-doable now.)

This is one of those answers I anticipate in response to “When are you most likely to talk to me?”

“Fools show their annoyance at once.”

Totally have not considered applying this verse to parenting (Proverbs 12:16). In fact, Harling counsels parents who want their teens to talk to practice not looking shocked.

This has been 100% true for my teens. Sometimes I’ve totally managed this–but I’ve had to pay for the times I haven’t.

Becky elaborates, “If you want your kid to talk to you, the ‘evil eye’ has to go.”

Shot to the heart.

What if you have little-bitty kids right now? I loved this quote she requotes: “In a child’s first two years, the desire to experience joy in loving relationships is the most powerful force in life.” Referring to the location of the “joy center” behind the eyes, the quote continues, “In fact, some neurologists now say that the basic human need is to be the ‘sparkle in someone’s eyes.'”

Becky opens each chapter with other thoughtful nuggets from other authors, too–like this one I love.

We’re called to see the preciousness of our children even when they are covered in their own “mess.”

Dr. Karyn Purvis

Here the Gospel in there? Jesus coming to us in our mess?

Me, too.

Angry Parent = Angry Child

With my recurring anger issues, maybe I should get this one tattooed on my person somewhere. It’s an idea.

 

That said–there’s a lot of parenting gold to be mined in How to Listen So Your Kids Will Talk. And I’m thrilled to give away two copies!

Want to win a copy of How to Listen So Your Kids Will Talk? Enter a comment below!

I’ll contact you via the email address you enter. Thanks for being a reader!

 

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