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Before my husband’s last (pre-COVID) international trip, I realized one of the things I miss most about him.

As he was packing–so methodical, everything in precisely-sized containers, shirts carefully folded over a packing template–I told him quietly, “See, you humanize me.” 

Allow me to explain. I enjoy the rarity of marriage to the best friend of my whole life. (If you will, please (!), forgive me if this is a point of pain for your marriage.) But he’s not just a friend in the big moments. He’s my daily source of connection.

Escaping the Machine

Without someone to really see me, I can lapse into “machine” mode. I don’t need rest. Don’t need comfort. I don’t need to process my day. Who cares? I got everything done, gave everyone what they needed.

I am relentlessly responsible. Faithful, even. My house is clean, the lunches are packed, my checklist is marked off. 

And without him, I can lapse into an existence with only minimal beauty, comfort, or love. 

So perhaps the reason I write today is because all of us need humanizing. We need someone to communicate we are more than ATM’s–more than a machine that rotely accomplishes something for other people.

We are more than means to an end. What we do does not define us, as if we were slaves. We are eternal souls, beloved by God. Worthy of connection, of being pulled close no matter what we do. (Jesus shows us this.)

And it’s an act of beauty to show this over and over to the people we’ve married.

“I see you”

I wrote recently about ideas for mini-dates. Mini-dates are all about intentionally forming a closer marriage and more intimate connection in the little moments. It turns something as simple as driving or making the bed together into a time that says, I see you.

I included some of my husband’s and my fave mini-date questions, like

  • How are you right now?
  • What’s been on your mind? What’s sticking with you?
  • What is (was) that like for you?
  • What do you need right now?
  • How can I pray for you today?
  • How have you been sleeping?

But after you’ve warmed up over dinner or on a long car ride, it’s great to have a question or two in your back pocket to keep moving toward that humanizing, closer marriage. 

A Closer Marriage: Start Here

A heads-up: These aren’t the same as conversation starters.

In fact, some of them could even make a spouse feel uncomfortable if they’re not asked in the context of a relationship that really seeks to understand them and make them feel welcomed, received, and heard!

Think of a beach on a cool morning: to acclimate, wade in first.

Let’s get to it. Try asking one or two of these on your next coffee date or walk (i.e., questions like these require us to make space.)

Some of these are drawn from an article within a download for FamilyLife.com–the Marriage Life Raft. Grab the whole free download here!

Print these questions for a closer marriage here.

That’s it. Go out and humanize someone.

I’m a question-collector. What questions have people asked you that have helped you feel known?

Drop them in the comments section!

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