What are you looking for?

This is one of those posts where I need to hand it to my husband. He’s a master of the mini-date (and he probably hadn’t heard of those till I told him about this post).

I read the following from a reader of Real Simple this month–in answer to the question, “What do you admire about your parents’ relationship?”

“Even if it’s just a silly thing, like taking out the trash together every Monday night, they always carve out time to connect. May parents have been married for 36 years because they’re masters of the minidate.” (@thedapple_)

So this made me realize all the cool ways my husband does this–and ways I’ve learned to do it back. It means our day brims with potential for little touchpoints, especially when we’re both working from home.

“What’s a mini-date?”

Mini-dates are all about intentionally forming intimate connection in the little moments. It turns something as simple as driving or making the bed together into a time that says, I see you.

What your mini-date isn’t

A mini-date doesn’t substitute for longer, more meaningful conversations or quality time. It’s not so you can check off your box: Well. You should be satisfied for the day!

(It’s like how quickie sex can be a nice little addition to a day, but you wouldn’t want every sexual encounter to be record-setting in that particular way…?)

Note: Mini-dates are also not a great time to bring up what’s irritating you about your spouse. (Nothing screams “romance” like “You never put the toilet paper on the holder,” right?)

The mini-date you might be missing

Maybe like me, you have four kids, but it feels like six. You could be hoping your next mini-date doesn’t involve a diaper pail (at least not one you’re carrying) or scrubbing something out of the carpet.

Wondering when or where a mini-date could happen?

• prepping dinner
• getting ready for bed or winding down after the kids’ bedtime
• getting dressed
• loading the dishwasher
• driving
• calling to your spouse on the drive home (this was us last Friday night)
• grabbing a cup of coffee at home
• while one of you (…or both?) takes a shower
• massaging your mate or rubbing their feet or hands
• making a simple snack together (smoothies? Nachos? popcorn?)
• ducking out to go to a drive-thru
• going on a walk around the block
• tossing a football
• bringing your mate a pick-me-up (“I saw you didn’t have lunch. Here’s a sandwich.” “I made you a cup of coffee.”)
• stepping outside at night beneath the stars or in a snowfall, maybe with a shared blanket around your shoulders
• Crated with Love has even more great mini-date ideas here.

How to make a mini-date

Ask good questions that help you see your spouse’s world. Bonus: The more you mini-date, the easier it is for you to get deeper in the future.

Some of my husband’s and my fave mini-date questions:

• How are you right now?
• What’s been on your mind? What’s sticking with you?
• What is (was) that like for you?
• What was one “win” in your day today? (Hint: Get excited about your spouse’s wins with them. Two studies show there’s a close correlation between a couple sharing good news [called “capitalization”] and their happiness. It’s a better indicator of relational satisfaction than talking about what’s hard.)
• What was your “low” for the day? (Tip: Only use this question paired with the question above.)
• What are you hoping today/tonight will look like?
• What do you need right now?
• How can I pray for you today?

Other tips:

• Keep a mental sticky note of funny stuff you see each day. It’s great to start or end any mini-date with a laugh.
• It’s inevitable little matters of business will come up (who’s picking up the kids). Just prioritize: Can you talk about other business later? Or is this more important than connecting, so no family member is left at the orthodontist for the rest of the winter?

When you want to kick things up a notch

Keep a few items on hand to ratchet up your mini-date:

• • your spouse’s favorite coffee syrup and a milk frother (I like this one) to make your own at-home coffee date
  • basic materials to make sushi, ice-cream sundaes, seasoned popcorn, or a cheese/charcuterie board to turn a mini-date into an easy date in
  • marshmallows to toast over a fire
  • candles, linen spray (you can make your own linen spray!), and or lotion for a quick foot rub
  • a recipe to make your spouse’s favorite beverage (I love this 5-minute chai mix!)

Another option to kick things up a notch? These pairings of a sweet, clean movie with takeout.

Connection doesn’t have to be non-existent when you have kids. Start with a mini-date–and branch out from there.

Tell us: When–and how–do you and your spouse make the most of moments to connect?

Comment below!

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