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My daughter’s headed to winter camp soon, which she adores. This morning, over an increasingly plain-looking Greek yogurt parfait, she gushed about camp’s breakfast buffet. She loves the free time, the reconnecting with old friends.

But in light of her anxiety issues, and apparently a night last year when she laid awake till 2, she’s already nervous about getting to sleep.

(All those suggestions in the Help! My Kid Can’t Sleep post? Those are hard-won, peeps.)

So we’ll pack her weighted blanket, we decided. And we’re mentally thumbing through other strategies.

But here’s the thing with anxiety–a phenomenon on the rise in teens. My husband and I are constantly dancing on the line of dealing with it in healthy ways. How can we treat her emotions as valid, yet manage them without them managing her?

How can we acknowledge her fears, but raise her toward being a strong woman of courage?

What Courage Isn’t

Because courage, even according to the dictionary, is “the ability to do something that frightens one.” Or “strength in the face of pain or grief.”

See, some of the things my youngest son has done, like toddling to the adult pool and jumping in without someone to catch him? That’s not courage, per se. (Not sure what that is? I think the courage is actually required by his parents.)

So often in the Bible, “Do not fear” is followed by this pointed reason: “I”–God–“am with you.”

What’s it look like to raise kids of courage? A few thoughts.

Remove the human shield.

After we were robbed during our time in Africa, a friend wisely wrote me, “The very thing we would protect our children from experiencing may be the very thing that God wants to use in their lives now so that when they are adults, they’ll know how to respond to crisis.”

Reflecting on our son’s cancer scare about this time last year, I wrote about how my son’s mind-boggling response was actually a culmination of some significant obstacles he’s faced in life. He may well be my most resilient, courageous child.

This is hard for a mom who, if she were Elastigirl from the Incredibles, would hands-down prefer to make herself a human shield. It many senses, it’s easier to act as a force field  for my kids’ pain, the consequences of their mistakes, any margin for them to fail.

But–to mix my metaphors here–that would create for them a virtual bloodstream without antibodies.

Our kids learn to fight fear and failure and weakness only by encountering it.

Listen to know what’s underneath.

Keep peeling back layers. Why is your child afraid of test-taking, or lunch at school, or entering a competition? Peel back another layer. What happens if that bad thing happens? Peel back more. How does this connect to your child’s identity? What truth does God say to that false identity? (I discuss this more here.)

Courage Baby-steps.

When my daughter’s struggled with sleep, my husband and I have allowed her to sleep on the carpet at the foot of our bed.

But hey, that won’t work so well when she goes to college, right?

And yet, some nights she enters in tears after midnight.

So we decided to give her an imaginary “ticket” she could use once every two weeks when she’s really having a tough time. The idea was to increase the amount of time between tickets–but her use of the tickets has already fallen off drastically.

That child who’s afraid of the water may not be ready for the diving board. But maybe the progression moves from a parent’s arms, to the Puddle Jumper on the pool steps, to fun games while wearing the Puddle Jumper…you get the idea.

Pray for your child.

Don’t space this step. It’s God who trains our kids to find peace in him rather than how they perform, how safe they are, what they have, or what other people think.

Create great memories around courage.

I’m conscious of increased anxiety creating wider neural pathways for fear in the future. I’ve heard neural pathways likened to paths in a forest: The more we tread down them, the wider and more easily-traveled they become.

Along with this science, we also know neurons that “fire together, wire together.” So when your son is bullied by a kid at school, he’s not just afraid of the bully. He can become afraid of school.

So I’m seeking to reward those baby steps of my daughter–to widen neural pathways of courage. When she has a day without using a “ticket”, she earns 5 minutes extra screen time.

Different kids will have different struggles. (My boys get nothing for sleeping in their beds.)

Find environments to create competency.

These are the gifts our kids gain through experiences that reiterate, You can.

Though my daughter has a history with stage fright, several teachers encouraged her to try out for the speech and debate club this year. After a competition last Saturday, she returned with a glow in her eyes–and a medal in hand.

This medal means more to me than some that have entered our door. It’s been won in spite of fear.

Sports, and especially the outdoors, can be tremendous places to do this. A couple of years ago, a father and friend of a newly teenaged boy asked my husband about ways to help his son overcome some persistent fear.

My husband recalled that one of his greatest confidence-builders as a teen was all the time he and his dad spent outdoors. When you’re outside, you’re so often conquering something. They certainly did: most of Colorado’s fourteeners (14,000+ ft. peaks), snow caving, snowshoeing, cycling, kayaking. Meanwhile, all those little battles were making my husband a man.

If your kid’s not into this, maybe don’t force them and create more of a complex?! Maybe they’re game for that drawing class, or dance.

It doesn’t have to be something they’ll succeed in. Just something that encourages them to try.

Deep breath. (Literally.)

Studies show that deep breathing exercises have a crazy-cool ability to talk our brains down, so to speak, when we’re stressed. (This is kind of cool to me, since God associates himself with breath.)

My son likes the “box breathing” technique: Picture a square. As you travel up the first leg of the square, inhale 4 seconds. Across the square’s top, hold that breath 4 seconds. Moving down the square’s side of the square, exhale 4 seconds (a longer breath out might be more effective). Your child “closes” the square by breathing normally for 4

Model vulnerability.

Vulnerability looks like courage in others–but freaks us out when we have to do it, right? Model the kind of relationships that thrive apart from appearances, accomplishments, and achievements. Grab 8 how-to’s here.

Spend time one-on-one.

When it comes to feeling accepted as we are, there’s nothing like a safe relationship. Grab a treat with your child, or spend time drinking some cocoa and being close. Communicate your unconditional love.

Get dads involved.

Statistics show fathers are more adventurous; more eager for their kids to go out and grapple with the world.

Between my husband and I? Pretty durn sure if one of us leads to “overprotective”, it’s not him.

But I’m sure you don’t need stats. Because you’ve probably heard your husband say something like, “You’re okay! Shake it off!” Or “Whoa, cool! A SCAR!”

Memorize it.

Together, memorize some verses about courage so you can remind each other (check out Ephesians 5:19).

Wondering where to start? Try

• Grabbing Seeds Family Worship’s albums (all Scripture put to music): Seeds of Courage, The Power of Encouragement, and I Am With You.
• Every promise of Jesus to those who overcome in Revelation 2-3. (Hint: There’s one at the end of every letter to the seven churches.)
• Deuteronomy 31:8
• Joshua 1:9
• 1 Corinthians 16:13 (Seeds has a song for this!)
• Isaiah 41:13
• Hebrews 13:5-6
• Psalm 27:1
• John 14:27

To get you going, I’ve also made three free printable graphics like the one below. Grab them here!

Ingest courage.

Real-life examples help us start conversations about what it could look like to overcome.

ReadBrightly.com has compiled a list of 10 picture books about courage, starting with Jacqueline Woodson’s The Day You Begin–great to read with a child tucked beneath your arm.

For older kids, R.J. Palacio’s Wonder is a classic (read the book, then watch the movie together). My husband is also reading Corrie Ten Boom’s classic The Hiding Place with my daughter. Other titles to consider:

• Growing Together in Courage, by Barbara Rainey
• Little Pilgrim’s Progress, by Helen Taylor
• Unbroken (The Young Adult Adaptation): An Olympian’s Journey from Airman to Castaway to Captive, by Laura Hillenbrand
• The Boy Who Harnessed the Wind, Young Reader’s Edition, by William Kamkwamba
• Guts, by Raina Telgemeier
• Hidden Figures Young Readers’ Edition, by Margot Lee Shetterly

CommonSenseMedia.org also has a list of movies that inspire courage (bonus: Every title has its own what-exactly-is-in-this review, so you can make sure the movie’s right for your family.)

Other readers would love to hear from you.

How do you, practically speaking, help your child practice courage?

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Spiritual Life Skills for Kids: The Series

Helping Our Kids Turn Suffering into Praise

Blind Wrestlers, Cancer, and How Your Child’s Pain Could be a Gift

Bouncing Back: Helping Your Child Open the Gift of Failure