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present presence being there

Ever get that feeling the person in front of you is there-but-not-there?

I’m totally guilty of this–those moments my kids are telling me something and they’re like, “Mom.” Because I’m too often multitasking–probably for their sakes, but still: not present in the moment they care about.

Or there’s another weird thing that saps my presence. Sometimes I’ve been going so hard for so long, ignoring the fact that I’m hungry or worn out or need care–that it saps my ability to really be there; to be able to fully give of myself.

I might make the right gestures or expressions or noises, but as far as that whole “love must be sincere” thing (Romans 12:9)? I’m actually a little bit duplicitous. Metaphorically, I’m too hungry to be handing out food.

But presence is something we don’t do well as a culture. (Maybe it’s just a human-being thing.)

Unfortunately, it results in an entire continent of the emotionally-starved. Presence is a precious form of love.

What Presence Is

It’s the reason I ask my teenagers to put their cellphones in the decorative bowl when they come in, and pull out the earbuds when they’re with actual people. It’s the reason I’m trying more to put down what I’m doing, and take that beat for some eye contact. For the person across from me to get 100% of my mental pie graph.

I’ve decided to define presence like this for now: to be wholly there.

Authors John and Stasi Eldredge note,

The gift of presence is a rare and beautiful gift. To come―unguarded, undistracted―and be fully present, fully engaged with whoever we are with at that moment. When we offer our unguarded presence, we live like Jesus.*

Reading this, I think of the God who wasn’t content with never being seen, never touching, with a self-centered failure to engage: “The Word became flesh and blood, and moved into the neighborhood” (John 1:14).

presence present power of being there

What’s it look like to be present?

Honestly, I think it starts with being fully present with God. But it’s easier to wrap mental fingers around the tangible, so I’ll start with that in this post. (Be ready next week.)

Fully receive someone.

We provide that place where they can be completely themselves and completely accepted. We’re a refuge; a safe place. Our affection for the person themselves trumps our own agendas for them.

Listen well.

So often, we listen in order to respond, rather than listening to empathize; to understand. Philippians 2—in the famous passage where we’re told to, in humility, count others more significant than yourselves—go up a few verses. Paul speaks of that others-significance proceeding from our own comfort from God’s love, from affection and sympathy for each other.

(If you’re interested, check out this post on doing this in marriage: How to See Your Spouse with New Eyes.)

We are first loved and received by God so we can then set aside our inner grasping. But that takes a lot of work: to truly sink our imagination into someone else’s shoes, asking questions about what we don’t know.

Sometimes, when a person has stopped talking, I’ve found it interesting to see what happens when I wait an extra five seconds. Ninety-nine percent of the time, the person shares a little more than they would have if I would have jumped in with my oh-so-superb advice.

present presence being there

Ask good questions.

It’s actually one of my vices: I tend to not answer what isn’t asked. It’s a stupid technique that I’ve used in the past to hold people at arm’s length. (DO NOT DO THIS.)

But I also realize that as we all get busier, we get less curious about each other and the part of their emotional iceberg hovering beneath the surface.

Sometimes this means asking for answers we may already know. God models this for me. I think of him in the Garden of Eden: Where are you? What have you done?

I think God asks questions like this in order to engage with us. He’s not asking for information. He’s asking to connect. To welcome. To allow expression and desire and interpretation.

I am now a question-collector. What would move my understanding and compassion for this person to the next level? What would love them better? So I gently ask questions like this (grab sixty more questions like this through the links in this post!):

  • What was that like?
  • What was going through your head?
  • What do you wish you/they could have said?
  • What were you hoping for?
  • What does that make you afraid of? (What were you afraid would happen?)
  • If a person expresses anger: Anger is a secondary emotion–usually occuring after fear, hurt, disappointment, rejection…what do you feel under your anger?
  • What do you feel, if it happened, would make your life sing right now?

A lot of these questions help isolate desire, including hope and fear. And those help us understand the core of what fuels and drives.

 

Cut the noise.

When I think about what stands in the way of presence, it’s usually psychological noise of some kind:

  • our own agendas and desires
    • to be seen or heard or valuable
    • to have control or security or comfort or approval
  • our distraction
    • by fatigue
    • by busy schedules with little space for relationships and just “being”
    • by need: we might forget to ask about another person’s needs because ours are felt so keenly
    • by technology:
      • Turn off phones and notifications. Let real presence trump cyber-presence.
      • As much as possible, seek to go one degree closer. Call instead of text or email. Video chat instead of call. Visit instead of video chat.
  • lapsing into what’s comfortable for us rather than what the other person needs
    • Classic example: The other day my husband wanted to pick up my son from baseball practice–but in a stressed state, I felt uncomfortable with someone caring for me. I resisted out of habit: out of image-management.
  • our drive to prove our worth

What kills a soul? Exhaustion, secret keeping, image management.

And what brings a soul back from the dead? Honesty, connection, grace.

….Draw close to people who honor your ‘no,’ who cheer you on for telling the truth, who value your growth more than they value their own needs getting met or their own pathologies celebrated.

….[Present over perfect is] about rejecting the myth that every day is a new opportunity to prove our worth, and about the truth that our worth is inherent, given by God, not earned by our hustling.

― from Present Over Perfect: Leaving Behind Frantic for a Simpler, More Soulful Way of Living

This week? May you have the gift of being fully there.

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*Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman’s Soul. Nashville, Tennessee: Thomas Nelson (2010).