My husband and I sat at the empty dining-room table (um. Empty except for all the stuff my kids didn’t pick up), discussing Thanksgiving plans over a cobbled-together lunch. Him: leftover Mexican. Me: a bunch of stuff dumped in a bowl with tortilla chips. We were talking about what he hoped would happen; he turned to me.
“What about you?”
Well. There it was. I knew it would sound a little martyrish. But, hey. I’m a mother of four kids off school. I’m inviting relatives. My work-from-home schedule had already been put through the blender with the lid off. (I mean, that’s having kids in general, right? Like my “birth plan”. Please write down what you hope will happen so that, if the other 246 factors align themselves, we can help you have the birth you want.)
I found it much easier to just remain flexible and keep my expectations to nil, or at least a minimum. Expectations just seemed to set me up to be a little Grinchy. Entitled, even. As if they were something I deserved. Holiday wish lists are great for kids, but a little dangerous for moms.
What to Expect when You’re Not Expecting
My husband, to his credit, acknowledged there’s a lot to be said for open-handedness at the holidays. Most of us have been at the wrong end someone else’s disappointed holiday. Or our own (Why did we agree to drive 26 hours with toddlers again? Why did I expect “holiday” meant “vacation from conflict”?). Or sky-high hopes. Or manipulation about who should spend what day where and with whom doing exactly what they had in mind.
Holding things a little more loosely, a little more lovingly, unquestionably makes for much happier holidays. As my friend mentioned (and I cataloged for posterity in this post), “Manage my expectations, manage my life.”
But his next point was just as quick. “Just because you don’t want to have expectations doesn’t mean you don’t. So you’ll end up being discouraged or disappointed without actually knowing why. ” Then he explained something I even wrote to you last year (duh), in the Quick-tips Holiday Survival Guide to Awkward Family Situations. Namely, acknowledging our expectations helps us manage them–and not the other way around.
Understand most of us arrive at family gatherings hungry–for more than pumpkin pie with that gluttonous dollop of whipped cream. We all stomp the leaves or snow off our shoes at the door and carry in our desires right alongside the pie carrier.
I recommended we all do a self-assessment (hello, me included):
Where am I at right now?
Maybe you’re tired. Stressed. Giddy with expectation. Hopeful. Guarded. Sensitive.
What would it look like to do what’s best for those around me (not just what they want)?
How can I create healthy boundaries and patterns, while remaining unselfish? What’s it look like to “count others more significant than yourselves” and “look not only to [your] own interests, but also to the interests of others” (Philippians 2:3-4)?
What do I want/hope for?
This helps us be aware of our expectations, rather than them subtly manipulating our actions–and others. It’s okay to arrive with desires. It’s when those desires become demands–to which we feel entitled–that we get into trouble.
If you realize, say, that what you were really hoping for in your time off was rest, you might opt to only play one strategy game with family, then head up to your room for some quiet (rather than wonder why you’re churlish and resentful the next day).
Perhaps you can make that one dish you were hoping for. Or plan some time out (or bring the supplies for a great project) for connecting with that relative or child you want time with.
Maybe a meaningful Thanksgiving to you means people talk about what they’re thankful for rather than just eating. So perhaps you ask the host if you can cover the table with brown craft paper and scatter some markers, so the “tablecloth” itself holds a record of everyone’s gratitude during the meal, entertains the kids, and serves as an easy conversation starter. (You might even save yourself judging your family next day for their “ingratitude”.) Or maybe you leave index cards at each place setting for a brief list of thanks, and ask each person to share one.
Getting the idea?
A Harnessed Holiday
Acknowledging expectations helps us be proactive rather than reactive. We can choose to hold loosely rather than being held tightly by our own hopes.
We can vocalize our hopes–because healthy expectations are those we actually communicate rather than expect others to just know.
It might mean that if we’re wanting to be a good sport and remain open-handed, we now can distill one thing that actually matters to us. We can let the other priorities fall away. (If like me, you struggle like being a martyr and even admitting you have expectations…maybe this post is for you.)
So get honest with yourself this holiday, and with one other person who might advocate for you this holiday season. Holidays are a great time to truly celebrate and truly enjoy the people around us. But you might have to fight for your own joy a little.
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