Stress is like wearing a flannel shirt when you’re washing dishes, you know?
One minute, you’ve got your hands in the water, scrubbing, the edge of your cuffs kissing the water. Next minute, the water’s bled up to your armpits. (For this reason, my husband’s told me that in Boy Scouts, they always said “Cotton is death”: If you’re wearing cotton when you’re active in the cold, it absorbs your perspiration, and can quickly bring you to hypothermia in bad weather.)
Last week, I had a brief argument with my husband, who I still adore. The thing was so brief, I can’t remember the subject (and don’t really want to try). But I confess. I came downstairs, and upon finding my kids not completely obeying and them chilling out in a messy room? Woe be unto you, children! I stomped around, controlling and ordering the parts of my life that I could. (Most of them are shorter than I.)
At one point, I looked over at my daughter. She perched on a barstool in her green stocking hat, bestowing upon me the stinkeye. I asked her if she wanted to talk about why she was angry. This one, I saw coming: “You take your anger out on us.”
I can’t speak to whether that’s true most of the time. I hope it isn’t; I hope the dishwater stays at the cuffs of my metaphorical shirt. But this time, I had to admit she was right. My anger or stress in parenting are sometimes not really that parenting-related. Yet there are surely consequences for my kids.
Do You Know the Stressed Version of Yourself?
One of the most popular posts ever on this blog have been Questions to Know Thy [Stressed] Self and 10 Dashboard-light Questions: The Stressed Version of Myself. Later I created Know Thy [Stressed] Self, Part II: The Stressed Version of Your Marriage to help us all identify when we or our mates are operating at diminished capacity–and hopefully show a little grace there.
In short, identifying stress means we can manage stress before our stress manages us…and the people we love. We have the choice to develop a proactive prescription for stress rather than bowing to our knee-jerk reactions.
And personally, when stressed, I’m particularly vulnerable to unbelief, being unloving, and discouraged—hopeless. Knowing I’m stressed puts me on the alert in the battle of my mind.
In light of that, I’m also creating this list of questions to help all of us begin to identify the stressed version of our parenting. Make sure you utilize this post first to understand more of your core stress “style”, then move into understanding your stressed self in each arena.
How Does My Parenting Change Under Stress?
When assessing yourself in these areas, keep this in mind:
- Evaluate yourself under a variety of circumstances. Different kids, different stressors, different hormonal levels, different environments (i.e. home, with company, in the housewares aisle…), different audiences–all these (plus a lot more) play into our complexity as human beings.
- Get as truthful as possible. If the goal is to manage stress rather than stress managing you, don’t dodge an accurate diagnosis.
- Though many of these have negative connotations it’s important to be aware of, stress is a part of life—and some ways of dealing with stress are completely within the range of normal, healthy, and loving. (If you’re a Christian and wondering if stress is a lack of leaning on God, know that Jesus sweat blood in the Garden of Gethsemane [Luke 22:44]—a stress condition known as hematohidrosis. This post may help you examine some of your preconceived notions about stress.) I think it’s safe to say peace isn’t the absence of stress or even moving through life unflagged by our circumstances. (That’s more of a Buddhist way of thinking, it seems to me: to detach ourselves from desire—hunger—thinking it will lead to tranquility.) Anything from mindfulness practices to the book of Psalms tells us life is meant to be fully engaged with—emotionally, too—in our circumstances, “feeling and dealing” with them. Even when it means unavoidable pain and discomfort.
Which describe me under stress?
| abusive | hyper-focused on kids | rational, perhaps to the point of being cold |
| anxious | hypersensitive | resorting to my parents’ methods of parenting |
| ashamed | impatient | sarcastic |
| belligerent | in denial (“my perfect angels”; “there’s nothing wrong!”) | scoffing |
| blaming | indecisive | seeking happiness in my children |
| busy; can’t stop working or moving | ingratiating/pleasing | self-deprecating |
| clean | insecure | self-isolating |
| controlling–“drill sergeant” mom | insomniac | self-martyring (“I guess I need to do it all.” “This is all my fault.”) |
| depressed | irrational | self-medicating with food, alcohol, media, or other methods |
| detached or distant | lazy | self-pitying |
| disappointed | manic | self-righteous |
| domineering | meek, unassertive | shaming |
| emotionally manipulative | mocking | standards-driven |
| escapist (“let’s get out of here!”) | neglectful | stoic, unresponsive |
| explosive | not listening or preoccupied | terse; defensive |
| fake | oblivious | unable to set healthy boundaries |
| fearful | oversleeping | unwilling to care for/nurture self |
| full of advice, ready to teach | perfectionistic | vindictive |
| grumpy | permissive | volatile |
| guilty | protective | worrying |
| hovering | pushing toward high achievement |
What Can I Do?
Get more self-aware, for the sake of your family.
If stress is like an ailment, you can grow in your ability to see it coming, and begin to manage it.
Know your triggers.
If you know a situation may set you off,
- be proactive about minimizing the stressor
- deal with it head-on
- ask for help
- set healthy boundaries
Get specific.
Now that you know in what ways you become volatile, don’t give yourself excuses. Deal with your anger issues head-on. Reject self-pity.
Get accountable.
Tell someone about what you’re discovering about yourself (it may be your spouse, or a safe friend). Ask them to ask you questions that don’t let you hide. Let them know (even with a simple text message) when you’re struggling. Request that they pray for you or even help in some way.
And hold yourself accountable, too: One friend of mine wrote “AO” on her calendar for every day she had an angry outburst–and soon noticed she was able to reduce her AO’s!
Create space.
Dr. Dan Siegel explains here that when we’re operating out of the more animal portions of our brain (natural in times of stress), we often can’t process fast enough, and end up making more irrational, destructive decisions. Step away for a few minutes to take deep breaths, pray for a few moments, even go for a short walk or reboot your brain another way–and operate out of the part of your brain that loves well. Don’t come out until you’re sure you can respond in healthy ways. Those dishes, or even those kids, can wait.
Catch QUESTIONS to know if you’re in THE STRESSED VERSION OF YOUR MARRIAGE
