I’ve written before that I won’t get very political on this blog, and this particular post is no exception. Yet I was reminded (in the wise article, “How Do Christians Fit Into the Two-Party System? They Don’t”) that “Those who avoid all political discussions and engagement are essentially casting a vote for the social status quo.”
Which is why this mother of two teen boys and a preteen girl, without stating any opinion on the turmoil of the U.S.’ Kavanaugh proceedings, wants to ponder aloud one particular sentiment.
“Boys will be boys” is a bunch of hooey.
Yes, of course it denigrates women, as the Atlantic argues persuasively here. Megan Garber argues about what the revealing logic of this argument. It’s saying,
We all did terrible things when we were young, obviously; do we really want to live in a world that holds us accountable for them?
….another norm is being litigated: the way we talk about sexual violence. Whether such violence will be considered an outrage, or simply a sad inevitability. Whether it will be treated as morally intolerable … or as something that, boys being boys and men being men, just happens. (emphasis added)
Expect More.
So as the mom of a 14-year-old young man–who after vigilant months, just this week has passed me in height–allow me to suggest that the “boys will be boys” attempt at reasoning is not just a tragic, horrifying loss for women, no matter which side of the Kavanaugh debate you fall on.
Surely we can teach and expect our young men to have a higher view of sex. Because they physically can. Unlike what we get from the media, sex is not like food, shelter, or clothing. There are people for millennia who’ve been able to (gasp) wait for it; who’ve had the moral fiber, self-control, respect of women, regard of their own sacred sexuality, high bar for marriage (see Hebrews 13:4), and power of God to say no for a little while longer. Good guys, like the biblical Joseph, ran the other way. And call me naive or some kind of upended ostrich–but I believe we can ask our young men for more. I believe they thrive when we beckon them to more than what the media make of them.. (Scientific research backs me up on this: “Impulsivity is a tendency with adolescence, not an absolute.”)
“Boys will be boys” takes a low view of men, too.
Too Important and Not at All
Sitting with a friend a month ago–and don’t ask me how this came up–we talked about how porn, for example, minimizes men, not just women. It reiterates to men that their sexuality is one-dimensional; that it’s a purely physical need. That sex is about no more than a physical act, as if they were animals. (Don’t miss “The New Narcotic” from the Witherspoon Institute, speaking of how pornography has now been determined as more addictive than cocaine. Think that doesn’t reduce a person of any gender?)
I resonate with Lauren Winner, who writes poignantly,
the biblical story of the body is very different from the stories Cosmo and Maxim tell. The magazines (and movies, TV shows, and advertising campaigns) speak of bodies that are both too important and not important at all. Scripture speaks of bodies that God created in His image, bodies that are doing both redemptive work and being redeemed. (emphasis added) [1]
A Note to My Sons
Son, if you are reading this someday, at any age: You are more than your sexuality. You are capable of being a giver far more than a taker. You were made for so much more than this intimate, violent theft, even if accepted as the norm. You are capable of waiting to give and take something this holy until you can give a girl your whole life, rather than just stealing a part of her for yourself and refusing to care for the rest.
I know you’ll hear something diametrically different from nearly all of your world. But know you cannot compartmentalize your sexuality, or that girl’s body. We are whole people. For centuries before you, good men have shown restraint, holding a high view of women, sex, and their own bodies. They’ve humbly sought forgiveness and restoration if they messed up.
I believe you can stand among good men, and that by God’s grace, you will.
Let no one despise you for your youth, but set the believers an example in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity.
Flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart.
1 Timothy 4:12, 2 Timothy 2:22
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[1] Winner, Lauren. Mudhouse Sabbath: An Invitation to a Life of Spiritual Discipline.Brewster, Massachusetts: Paraclete Press (2007).
