Reading Time: 3 minutes

Well. I’d been waiting for a good illustration for this post. I didn’t really want it to come when I was sleeping (probably snoring?) last week at precisely 12:35 AM. That is when my husband, arriving home late, confirmed I was good to go on that meeting tomorrow at 8 AM, the one an hour away.

Yes. (I was mumbling. If I wake up too much, I know I won’t get back to sleep.) I have to drop off all the kids, and then..

Wait. Did you say 8? Wasn’t it 8:30?

That meant alllllll my best-laid plans for the kids would be crumpled and tossed like aluminum foil. I can’t really call my son’s friend’s mom at midnight and say, Hey. I was wondering if I might jeopardize our friendship! Can I drop my child off a half an hour earlier? Like, 7 AM?

And at that lovely hour, I was quickly and internally grumbly. (My self-control was still slumbering peacefully.) I’d been asked to volunteer for this meeting! I was doing it out of the kindness of my heart! And grrrrrr, etc. etc.

How quickly I had rescinded my magnanimous generosity! And man, was I ready to blame. Like, anyone.

The weird flipside of being a people-pleaser: If I do something to please you and it goes wrong, it’s not my fault, right? I was just doing what you told me. (Tough being a saint.)

I have no choice. I blame you

I wrote recently about getting the shoulds (a perpetual problem of mine). And the truth is, when I feel obligated, I’ve used what someone’s asked me to do…to blame them. When I’ve handed them my leash, I presumably get to blame them for where he or she leads me.  I don’t have to take responsibility for my own choice, right? I feel righteous indignation because they made me. 

Following our “shoulds” can stand in the way of us accepting responsibility for our adult choices. We use others as a shield, acquitting us if something goes pear-shaped.

But if obedience is my choice—if I’m not obligated, shuttled into a choice, but rather acting volitionally—I choose not to make myself into the image of someone else. I choose the image of God in me, and I freely accept the good and bad consequences.

But who would want to do that? Don’t we want a…safety net?

Free indeed

No, all you people pleasers of the world (me included). Making ourselves in someone else’s image than God’s–even when they’re in authority over us–is idolatry. For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery. 

Or there’s freely you have received, therefore, freely give. Without a catch. Without waking up at half-past midnight when something goes wrong, and snatching it all back, taking your kickball with you and stomping home.

Seen my boundaries anywhere?

I wrestled with this as an exhausted young mom. I’d suggest my exhausted counterpart, aka husband, take a night off and get out on his own. But if the kids went squirrelly, or I ended up scrubbing something out of the carpet (grrrr again)–in a surprising twist of logic, I’d be frustrated he took me up on my offer. I had gone from cheerful giving to self-righteous indignance, dagnabbit! A good mental finger-pointing would ensue. Why didn’t you look out for me?! (i.e., Why didn’t you see/insist/intuitively understand I needed to set boundaries?

Or I wondered why a neighbor would send over her kids to play all the time…though I didn’t actually mention I needed space. I assumed we had the same expectations about what good manners looked like–which, it turned out, was actually a pretty high expectation.

Peter Scazzero reminds me my expectations in any relationship need to be

  • Conscious
  • Realistic
  • Spoken
  • Agreed upon 

So if my expectations don’t actually materialize…my blame may be misplaced.

Here’s to a little more freedom from my own unrealistic expectations–and blaming others for my own passivity.

*Scazzero, Peter. Emotionally Healthy Spirituality: It’s Impossible to be Spiritually Mature while Remaining Emotionally Immature.