So I’m thinking about a peaceful home lately. Mostly because mine isn’t?
But I think it’s in a happy way. -Ish. My home is more the kind of Nerf gun-toting, “Mom, can we have a cooking contest?”-messy (and “Gross! Who dripped jam down the cupboards?”), and”Shoot! That appointment’s today!” -kind of reality. Especially with summer. Summer can be a little about survival. (Guess I could have named this post “What peace?”)
But sometimes “having peace” can be tangled up with myths I have about peace in the first place. I once pictured having peace as kind of floating around in a tranquil abode where my children answer, “Why yes, Mother! Whatever you want!”
So here’s what peace…isn’t.
A lack of conflict.
Sometimes we avoid conflict because we want a “peaceful home.” But sometimes I’m guilty more of peacefaking than peacemaking. I attempt to deny conflict rather than see it as an opportunity.
I believe God may have given us anger because, as we’re created in his image, he gets angry. It’s an activating emotion, causing us to take a stand against injustice. Of course our anger’s miscalibrated like some non-zeroed bathroom scale. But I actually think there’s some wisdom in Sean Connery’s line from First Knight: There’s a peace only to be found on the other side of war. We don’t need more “sweep it under the rug” families that fail to engage with each other on a level where everyone pretends to be happy, and learns to function by a set of unspoken rules so no one upsets the apple cart.
In my training as a conflict coach, I was reminded that conflict’s an opportunity: to honor God by dealing with sin in a gracious, truthful way, and replay his own self-sacrifice for us all over again. It grows us as individuals, and certainly opens our eyes to opinions outside of ourselves, as well as to our own junk. And it helps us simply love better. Relationships that weather conflict well can grow stronger.
A lack of chaos.
Maybe that sounds like someone trying to justify all the kids I have running around. Or having kids in general. But I guess that seems to swap peace with serenity. My house is not a spa, folks. My little people forget stuff, causing them to freak out. They laugh loudly and crash down the stairs (I really am working on that) and shout when they could be speaking calmly or coming into the room where someone is at, for the love of Mike (that one, too).
But a place that is peaceful is different than having peace. There is a beautiful, messy chaos where I live.
Yes, we need some self-control and discipline around here. But my kids are not living lives of fear, angst, or timidity (at least at the moment). And together, we’re instilling a flexibility when things don’t go their self-focused way–so I don’t think they should live beneath mine, either.
Jesus was born in a manger, not the Sheraton. He is the God of my mess.
An utter lack of fear.
I know this seems to contradict what I just said, dadgummit. And I do work to create an atmosphere of grace and acceptance rather than fear and performance/being good enough. (I’m a firm believer in encouraging my kids’ good behavior to rise a) from the heart rather than fear and b) a core sense of acceptance rather than working for my acceptance.)
But reality is, my kids will face fear. And their momma certainly does. I’m not big on them denying fear as much as I want them to “feel and deal”: to face it. Yes, there’s an element of self-discipline: Do not let your hearts be troubled. Listen to your hearts, then anchor them.
And sometimes, as this blogger reminds me, we need to do it afraid. Fear is our fork in the road to choose trust–climbing out of the boat–or continue to choose anxiety. We’re shaping our kids’ beliefs about God as we steer them through hard stuff. And as we face our own.
We’ve got peace not because life’s perfect or in control (bwahaha!)–but because we know who is.
Like this post? You might like
The Breath We Breathe: On Fear & and Trust in the Middle of Danger
Confronting our fears all over again…through our kids
Helping Kids Deal with Their Fears Part I and II
Talking to Our Kids about Yet Another School Shooting: Is my school safe?
