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Late one night last week, my husband arrived home to tell me we needed to get the car in the shop pronto. I decided to take it in after my dentist’s appointment the next morning (y’know, all the things I love at once: the dentist’s chair, taking an ailing car to the mechanic). As I pulled up to the stoplight, there were indeed some alarm bells going off in my head. You know it’s bad when the engine light is on. But what about when it’s, uh, flashing?

Well. Now I think it’s a little bit like the “blue screen of death”. The engine was shot. And when I say shot, I mean shot. As in, oil pumping out of a broken piston, etc. Even I, with my wee knowledge of mechanical workings, know this is bad.

So that happened.

I let you in on this sliver of less-than-Pinterest-perfect life to say that I’ve come to identify a few dashboard lights for people, too. Some of them are please-pull-your-car-over-immediately urgent. Others are more like, just to let you know, you need some gas in the next 48 hours. Or, hey, your air con just turned on because it’s hot in here.

Either way, I find that I learn more about others, and myself, when I’ve got my eye out for these items. It’s a form of emotional intelligence. So take this as an addendum to Questions to Know Thy [Stressed] Self and The Stressed Version of Your Marriage.

1. What brings tears to your eyes?

You never know what may cause them. The sight of the Atlantic Ocean can do it, or a piece of music, or a face you’ve never seen before. A pair of somebody’s old shoes can do it…. You can never be sure. But of this you can be sure. Whenever you find tears in your eyes, especially unexpected tears, it is well to pay the closest attention. They are not only telling you something about the secret of who you are, but more often than not God is speaking to you through them of the mystery of where you have come from and is summoning you to where…you should go next.

Frederich Buechner, Beyond Words

2. What reactions are disproportionate?

So often, disproportionate reactions are indicators of the iceberg hovering beneath our surface.  If I see someone acting in a more powerful way than the situation demands, I could get distracted by how they’re expressing, and miss the whys throbbing beneath.

3. What statements do you repeat?

People’s mantras–or even the statements they unknowingly reiterate–speak volumes to me about core values. A sister-in-law of mine has said numerous times, Family always shows up. So I know that to her, this is part of what family means–and it highlights one of the best ways to love her.

4. What makes you angry? And what can’t you let go of?

I wrote here about on occasion where I struggled to forgive someone far beyond the appropriate time of grieving or anger–because something sacred to me was trampled on. (That’s an explanation, not an excuse.) If you struggle with frequent anger, dig into that, too. Do you feel a sense of powerlessness or fear? A lack of control? Remember anger is a secondary emotion, proceeding from primary emotions like fear, hurt, embarrassment, frustration, or rejection. (I examine my own anger problem here.)

Perhaps you have an attraction to another person that nags at you. I wrote here that sometimes our attractions are less about the person, and more about the soul-hole we’re trying to fill with a person.

5. What stories do you tell?

Sometimes a story is just a story. But when people are telling me something sacred, I listen hard to the stories they tell. I’m listening for clues as to why they chose this one. Often, those stories are a prime example from their shelf of personal narrative. They could be saying, How this person acted here, or how I feel? This is an important piece in a nutshell. (This is usually true even when it doesn’t appear to make sense, though I may have to explore a bit more with good questions.)

6. What do you remember?

Similarly, there are times when the memories we hold rattle around in our heads not just because they happened, but because they epitomize something for us. For one reason or another, they capture a slice of our everyday.

7. What is your body telling you?

I noticed that when I think about a certain situation and person who intimidates me, my respiration increases, as does my heart rate. Yesterday, I knew I was stressed when my lip started twitching. What physiological symptoms are flashing on your dashboard?

8. What do you suppress?

What do you tamp down fiercely in you? Examine why control of this feels imperative to you. Sometimes self-control is highly wise and loving in a situation. Other times we’re just keeping our emotions like a snake in a can. Either way, we need to process what our natural impulses are, and see if perhaps we’re simply avoiding conflict or seriously need some boundaries. 

9. What dreams are you having?

Sometimes dreams at night are just that–dreams. But other times they reveal our anxieties and hopes.

10. What are your fantasies?

What are the “what ifs” you catch yourself daydreaming about? What do they tell you about the satisfaction you long for? Note: This isn’t a dashboard to pursue those dreams, as much as it is to unpack those desires.

Take it deeper.

David Powlison’s X-ray Questions are great for plunging into our desires, and the ways we imagine we’ll fill the deep holes within us. Find more here about the danger these holes can pose--and the satisfaction we’re each craving.

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