I’m already bracing myself for it, even as open duffel bags, plastic storage bins, and carry-ons line the walls of my house. Maybe the question will come at church, shaking hands as we walk in from the parking lot, or when we’re handing over a loaf of banana bread to a new neighbor (strategically timed before my kids’ Nerf wars propagate any noise violations).
“So, where are you guys from?”
Um.
Central Illinois. Arkansas. Texas. Oklahoma. Colorado. Uganda.
Nice to meet you! I actually have no idea. Do you have a different, easier question? Maybe ask how many kids we have. I have gotten that one right several times.
Home is such a nuanced, funky question right now. Perhaps an open duffel is just the metaphor for me. I feel transient. Half-packed. Misshapen. Awkward.
I was asked the other day what signified home to me, and…it took a little while for me to answer. While there are a few objects that have made it with us around the world—like the rest of us, home tends to be with the people I care about. Perhaps it’s a no-brainer that I’m a mzungu, a foreigner, here. But sometimes I feel just as much the mzungu in my “home” country. My mind seems to perpetually be working out, “How shall we sing the Lord’s song in a strange land?” (Psalm 137:4).
As returning to America spreads before me, the term Nile Perch out of water comes to mind. And truthfully, so does the term lonely.
But perhaps the opposite of lonely is what home is: a place where you belong.
C.S. Lewis’ words capture this exquisitely for me.
We should hardly dare to ask that any notice be taken of ourselves. But we pine. The sense that in this universe we are treated as strangers, the longing to be acknowledged, to meet with some response, to bridge some chasm that yawns between us and reality, is part of our inconsolable secret. And surely, from this point of view, the promise of glory…becomes highly relevant to our deep desire. For glory meant good report with God, acceptance by God, response, acknowledgment, and welcome into the heart of things. The door on which we have been knocking all our lives will open at last. (The Weight of Glory, 8 June, 1942, emphasis added)
When my husband and I first came to Uganda, I remember standing on a porch, overlooking the Nile as it rushed by steadily in the starlit dark. Hebrews 11 will always remind me of that night, when I decided to put all my eggs in an invisible basket. The Message puts it this way:
By an act of faith [Abraham] lived in the country promised him, lived as a stranger camping in tents. Isaac and Jacob did the same, living under the same promise. Abraham did it by keeping his eye on an unseen city with real, eternal foundations—the City designed and built by God.
(Perhaps this explains why sometimes this work doesn’t bring tangible, number-crunching results: because it’s building an invisible city. This is what I hope.)
A friend and former missionary kid wisely told me this past weekend about one advantage of our overseas lives. She noted we truly understand that as lovers of Jesus, we are “foreigners and aliens in this world” (1 Peter 2:11). Her father told her that because Jesus is preparing a perfect place for us, nothing’s ever going to measure up here. We will always be longing to be more home.
Where Everybody Knows Your Name
An orphaned Ugandan friend of mine is struggling with the new nationally-mandated identification cards. How do you find a birth certificate when you don’t have one? What if you were given a surname by the person who took care of you, and you now have to go and procure the “real” one the government will accept? As I think of her, I wonder what emotions this unsettles in that sludgy silt at the bottom of a girl’s heart. So tonight I put my arm around her: I want to let you know that you belong. You and me, we’re sisters. God says our spiritual ties are much thicker than blood (see Matthew 12:46-50). He says You belong with Him. He’s going to give you a new name. His name.
It was one of those moments where I felt a little sheepish, because maybe I should be listening to these words of comfort I was so eager to hand out. You belong, mzungu. You belong with Me. I am the Home you’ve been looking for all Your life. You’ve seen glimpses, but just wait till You get a load of the real thing.
And this is the verse that came to mind:
O Lord, You have been our dwelling place throughout all generations. (Psalm 90:1)
You, God, are our home.
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4 Comments
Seth Kempf - 7 years ago
Amen and amen, Janel. He has you, John, and the kids…and, by His grace, you have Him.
Janel Breitenstein - 7 years ago
Thanks, Seth, for understanding where we’re at, even from your own experience. Grateful for your encouragement!
Phil - 7 years ago
Janel,
Your post today reminds me of so many of David’s Psalms. Verses and verses of struggling. Real life. Questions. Difficulties. Then, at the end, wrapped up with a truth we know deep down in our hearts to be true. The answers to all our questions, to all our longings, to all our hopes, to all our fears, to all our concerns, to all our worries, to all our frustrations ultimately lies with our Abba who has it all worked out. He smiles a warm, loving, comforting, encouraging smile at us that says “I know it’s hard daughter. I know it’s hard son. Keep trusting me. I’m your hope. I’m your strength. I’m your rest. I’m your protection. I’m your peace. I’m home.”
It’s like David needed to vent his frustrations, but in the end, he was reminding himself, whether his heart “felt” it or not, the truth that he knew deep down. That’s what this post feels like. You know the Truth, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be honest about our feelings as we slosh through the muck that we sometimes find ourselves in.
Thanks again for being an example of how to be an authentic believer.
Janel Breitenstein - 7 years ago
Grateful for you once again hearing my heart, Phil. Trusting God will continue to give me/us answers as we bring our questions “into the sanctuary”…! Thanks so much for the encouragement.